Why is it, when you've been in a job on and off for the last few years that you suddenly can't face it anymore? It's not that i hate the work or the people or the job itself, i can't think of any better part time job. Outdoors, wildlife and great people. But coming back from field work in my future line of work has me regretting my self confidence! Why can't i just go out and apply for work experience in the area i love, nothing seems to be right anymore.
This is the first time the feeling of over crowdedness has me thinking of my own place, to be my own housekeeper, have things the way i want them. To cook and clean for myself, to sustain myself independently. Oh how i yurn for a place in the countryside with sprawling hill side views and the smell of the country. (Even if that wonderous smell to me smells like cow shit to others!).
To be able to take control of my life, to have the supposidily life essentials. Car, house and Job. Three things that i enjoy thanks to others to an extent but not mine. My life's essentials would revolve around a handmade quilt and blanket, a good book and a log fire. Nothing else seems to be that important, maybe wanted but not craved.
It would seem that life revolves around happy endings, oneness with loved ones and completed llives. To have a flavour of any would prove interesting, prephaps a root course for my displeasure elsewhere. To be wanted, to be loved, to be cherished and to be needed. I have friends who say these things, but it's not the same. And quite frankly i can fully understand why i have yet to find someone who does feels those things for me. Take one look at me and you would see half of my reasoning, and i put that down to the fickle mindfulness of people today. No, my appearence isn't all of it, but it certainly has stopped people form finding the true me.
It's funny, when asked, most people say the cherish material items, can't live without them. I think most of my responses would shock people. The phrase small things for small minds, and i would wonder if people believe me to have a small mind. Bird song, waves crashing, thunder, the wind and the scent of freshly openned flower blooms are the things i couldn't live without. Sure i like some of my material items, the most precious would have to be a toss up between my crotchet hooks and my camera. Both capable of making beautiful and inspiring things, both dear for different reasons. One i pour my heart into, the other shows a world in which i could live forever, just in that one instance.
Well enough sob stories, catch ya on the flip side of things!!
xXRainbowXx
